Well, here it is, on front street

The Story...
Part 1
I awoke on that morning in May, and smiled when I heard my daughter giggling over a TV show that play in the background. Rolling out of bed, I wiped the sleep away. My husband, James, lay next to me. Sleeping so peaceful, I left him lay.
I kissed him on the cheek, went out to the living room, where my mother-in-law lay on the couch, yet again, smoking inside. Now, im a smoker, but I have no patience for smoking indoors. None the less, I cant say much, considering it isnt my house.
I moved in with James when I was 18. Fresh out of school and looking for new things. I found something new when I was 16. The love of my then life. We met at a friends house on cold December night, I remember thinking he was the cutest guy I had ever laid eyes on. I drove him home that night, we hit it off. He had never had a girlfriend in the past, so he was scared. I got up the nerve to ask him out, he turned me down, two nights later he told me he would be mine. Later the next year, we were engaged.
At 19, we decided to have a family. We tried to concieve our first for a year, finally sick of waiting one day, I went out and purchased a fertility monitor. Now, heres a little background, James had suffered Luiekimia, so he had chemo therapy and was possible infertile, so at this point, we almost abandoned all hope. I never tested positive with the fertility monitor, I was already pregnant. Later that year, our daughter was born, Lauren Elizabeth. She was a reflection image of her father. Big brown eyes, tan skin, dark hair.. Really, it was almost scary.
James and I had suffered through some tough times, we had dealt with legal problems, and our biggest.. An addiction to prescription medication. I would go to doctors, and make up reason's to get a new prescription. It was a dangerous game, and our lives were on the line.
Fast forward to May the 1st. We were doing our usual 'Semi-functioning drug addict' stuff, watching TV, cooking dinner, playing with our loving daughter, and getting high on medication. This night was different from the other nights, we exceeded our limits, and you'll soon find out why..
Back to the morning of May the 2nd.. I walked into the living room, and kissed my Daughter. Asked my Mother-in-law to keep an eye on my child as I ran to the store. I left james asleep. When I returned, I went to wake him. I picked my daughter up and took her in to give Daddy his morning kisses. James wouldnt wake up this day.
Scared, I shook him in fear. I didn't want my 3 year old little girl seeing this, so I took her Aunt's bedroom, I slammed the door. I shouted on the top of my lungs "CALL 911, James wont wake up" This was between tears.
My neighbor at the time, was a paramedic, my Mother-in-law ran to his house, and woke him out of bed. I dont remember much, its hazy and sort of cloudy. We did CPR and I remember picking him up in my arms and sobbing. My neighbor, in an effort to calm me, told me he heard a faint heartbeat. I to this day, think he was lying. The ambulance driver told me there was always a chance, but I knew in my heart he was gone.
We arrived at the hospital, and they put me in a small room, by myself. I sat alone and cried, It hurt so bad, knowing my best friend and love of my life was gone. I just knew. A few moments later, the doctor came in and told me he was gone, apparently by this time, my Mom was there, comforting me. What does a mother say to her youngest daughter who is now a widow?


Part 2
I picked out the music through my tears, I was still in disbelief, I was about to bury my 22 year-old soul mate. It was the hardest time of my life. I gathered every ounce of energy and strength I had, and pushed on, for my Daughter. I sat down with the funeral director, my in-laws, and my parents. This was my worst nightmare coming true.
The day had arrived, I walked outside and took a deep breath, pulled myself together and proceeded to make my way to the funeral home. All our friends and family were there, young and old. People spoke, my daughter played. She went up and kissed her Daddy goodbye for the last time. It broke my heart into small pieces. I found the courage to give a eulogy. I spoke of his loves in life, and his dreams he never was able to fulfill.
At the cemetery, I fell apart. I sang "Amazing Grace" over his coffin with my Grandmother. My voice cracked from the tears. I never felt so weak nor have I ever felt so alone. Even surrounded by my family and friends, I was alone in this world. My best friend was gone.
In the weeks to follow, I kept myself on all different forms of prescription drugs. I humbled myself and moved back in with my mother, so she could help me with my daughter and money. This was extremely hard for me to do, I had been on my own for quite a few years at this point, but I didn’t really have a choice in the matter at hand.
My daughter asked many questions, I didn’t know what to say anymore. He was really gone, and this was hard for me to accept, let alone a 3 year old child. Her father was gone, for good.

Part 3
I wanted nothing more than to forget this ever happened. I just wanted a normal life. Normal was the last category my life fit into, I was spiraling out of control. I was taking more than prescribed of my anti-anxiety medication, and finding reasons for frequent visits to the ER.
I had to end it, so I went to the methadone clinic seeking an answer to my problems. A much bigger problem lay in the future. I turned my addiction over to methadone, it was the only thing that made me feel normal.
I found myself in the arms of men. All I wanted was to feel the love and affection only another human being could give me. I needed money to support my habit, my addiction. I was using people, and stealing from my family. I was at my lowest point.
One morning, back in November'ish. I was taking the city bus to the methadone clinic. I got off at the wrong stop, a man was sitting in a car and asked me if I was lost, did I need a ride. I, not thinking clearly, said yes. He offered me drugs, I trusted him, he had kind words and bought me food and drink. Why I trusted this man, I'll never know.
I awoke in a drug induced haze, tied to a park bench, naked. He was standing over top of me, masturbating. I was terrified, my heart had never been so fearful in my entire life. He kissed my neck, I shivered. I begged him not to hurt me, he didn’t comply.
I was going in and out of consciousness, I couldn’t control the situation. I started to pray, for the first time in years, I trusted God would pull me out of this nightmare. I said "Lord, I come to you, I beg for mercy and help. Please Lord, help me."
At that moment, he let me up. Pushed me into his car, and drove me away. We drove for miles, I'll never forget the song that was playing on the radio, or the smell of his car and cologne. It made me physically ill. He proceeded to grab me, so hard I cried out. He drove in circles, finally he pushed me from the moving car, I rolled to safety.
I was in a haze, I didn’t know what was going on and I was more scared than anything. I sat on a bench for 12 hours, in shock. I asked myself over and over "Why? What did I ever do to anyone to deserve this kind of pain, first James, now this?"
A man came up to me and asked me if I was ok. I told him I wasn’t even sure what my name was at that point. He took me to a nearby store, and bought me coffee. I never was so relieved to drink a beverage in my whole life, I was safe.
This man walked me around the neighborhood, looking for my 'home'. Much to my surprise, I lived an hour away. When I finally gave him my purse to get my drivers license, he found my cell phone. At that moment, my mother called. I answered, she cried. She thought I was dead. I don’t blame her, with my lifestyle, it was a possibility. The man, to this day I don’t know his name, gave her directions to my location. She picked me up and took me to the nearby hospital, where I was checked. The man who originally hurt me, was never found. I'll know his car if I ever see him again.

Part 4
I continued down the wrong road until one day in January. It was chilly outside, and I took a walk to re-examine my life. I was about to literally lose everything. I got on my knees and I prayed. I asked that the Lord touch my life, that he pull me out of the hole I had fallen into. I was playing the cards the Devil was dealing, and I was losing terribly.
I had to kick my nasty habit, I did this over a course of a month, with a lot of support from my Mother and Father. I couldn’t have done it without God though, he was the rock that held me together.
I found myself clean, and with my head back on my shoulders, I was finally coming back around. I was my 'old' self again. I went to the cemetery, I had a long talk with my James, I let him know all that had happened, and I’m certain he forgave me.
I made amends with all that had felt my wrath in that time period. I started being a real mother again. Lauren was never so happy, her Mommy was back.
I attended church every Sunday, and I accepted Jesus into my heart as my Lord and personal savior. I never felt so good in my whole existence. I was finally free from addiction and pain. This was God's work, I’m sure of it.
I met a man that makes me feel special, he gives me the love I deserve and I can love him back. I finally allowed my wall to come down, I finally allowed someone in, and it paid off. My ability to love again resurfaced.
Today, I’m clean and a new person. I can love and be loved in the eyes of God. I no longer have to hide behind a wall for fear of those that 'may' hurt me. James would smile. He would be so appreciative that someone is treating me so well. I deserve it.
I live my life in God's house. I live my life for God, I hope to touch at least one other person with my testimony. I hope that one person, no matter how big or small, realizes its possible. And life with the Lord is so much better than life with Lucifer. I will not dance with him again, I will never again walk with him. I will love and be loved back honestly. I am strong and I have a sweet nature, I will do it. I will live.


Thank You for reading this, this is my life. Im now a new woman. Please dont pass judgement on me for the way I WAS, im no longer that person.

To be continued......